Lovely Little Nannie.. Forever in Bloom

Wednesday saw the passing of a very special lady.  My husband's closest grandparent, in fact the only one he ever really knew.  Nan died peacefully at home after 91 colourful years of life.  She was kind-hearted, sweet, a lover of Elvis and fondly loved by many.  It was not possible for us all to fly over to the East side for the funeral and I was torn with feelings at the prospect of not being there to show my respects.  Apart from the fact that she was always so welcoming to me, I just really, really liked her.  It felt so nurturing to be in her presence.. and I will miss her.

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I worried that the rest of the family would be disappointed that the children and I did not attend the funeral, perhaps assuming that I didn't consider it a matter of importance.  I also tossed around in my head the idea that the family wouldn't think twice about it as she wasn't my grandmother anyway.  This hurt me more, to think of the latter, as I started doubting my acceptance in the family.  I then started questioning why I loved her so much. Why I felt so sad that I couldn't be there to say goodbye.

As I sat and contemplated on my feelings I recognised they were purely fear based.  One a fear of not pleasing others, and the other a fear of rejection.  When I think about it... this has been a common theme in my life.  Two opposing forces clouding my truth.  So as I sat and thought of Nan, I saw her smiling...  She knew why I wasn't there and she didn't mind.  In fact, she reminded me that she will always be with us in spirit.  It is a hard concept to accept in the midst of grief, when you know you can never again physically hold or see the person you love, and yet personally, this shift in thought eased my sadness.. at least a little.  I am sure the next time I visit her hometown, I will feel the loss again.  It just won't be the same without her.  I feel relieved that she is not hurting anymore.  I feel comfortable knowing that she is always with us and as my husband so beautifully put it.. "She is everywhere now".

To express my emotions I did what I always do.  I wrote a poem.  I felt really connected to Nan in the process and felt like it was my way of saying thank you for being such a loving gift to my life.  The poem was included on the funeral card which was a beautiful, and generous gesture of the family.  I felt like I had given my respects in a formal way after all.

The sweetest bird flew to Heaven today

with Angels by her side.

They carried her up

on the wings of Love

so that she did not cry.

And as she turned and smiled at us

she whispered in their ears.

"Stay with them always

and hold them close

so that they never fear."

And let them know how loved I felt

through all of my time.

And that I felt

truly blessed

having each of them in

My Life

During the funeral, the children and I held our own ceremony for Nan here at home.  Seraphina created a sculpture out of playdough and proclaimed it Nan's new home xx  It was decorated with leftover candles from Lani's recent birthday cake and adorned with a necklace Lani had been wearing since hearing the news of Nan's passing.  It had belonged to Nan and was given to Lani as a gift. So Beautiful xx  We said our goodbyes and blew out the candles, sending our prayers and wishes out to the Ethers.  We will miss you Nan.  You'll always be in our Hearts xx

"Nannie's New Home" - We Love You x